Life is sometimes cruel when it puts us in positions where you are helpless. It’s even more galling when you know you are the reason why things are the way they are and there is nothing at all you can do about them. There is no chance left to take.
For some, quite inexplicably, love fades. For others, love is simply lost. But then of course, love can also be found. Even if just for the night, or for a lifetime. And there is another kind of love, the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It’s called unrequited love. Of that, she was an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. What about the rest? What about their stories? Of those who fall in love with someone and are alone. They are the victims of the one-sided affair. The ones who cannot do anything about their love for the other. They are the walking wounded. The handicapped, without the advantage of a great parking space. Yes, I am talking about one such individual.
She found almost everything ever written about love to be true.
Shakespeare said, “Journeys end in lovers meeting.” She believed it to be an extraordinary thought. Personally, she had never experienced anything remotely close to that, but she was more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose she thought about love rather than experience it. She was constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said, “Love is blind”. Now, that was something she knew to be true.
When she least expected it, the prince charming walked into her life. His love, charisma and charm had a big hand in sweeping her off her feet. She fell for him. He turned her world upside down. She was willing to accept anything as long as she was with him. And she willingly loved him and they were together for 3 amazing years. Just when people believed that their story was close to the one being written in fairy tale romances, reality decided to show itself. Because of a mistake she did, he left her. Rather than understanding her love that forced her to do the mistake, he chose to not be with her.
He changed.
He changed.
She was shattered. Reality slapped her on the face. She couldn’t accept it. She looked at it as a cliché for her experiences with great expectations. She lost track of time. Life seemed like a blur. What followed were the worst new years and the worst birthdays. Anniversaries brought in by tears and valium. Those became the darkest days of her life. All because she was cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love her back. Oh god, just the sight of him gave her creeps. Heart pounding, throat thickening, absolutely can’t swallow. All the usual symptoms.
How they first met was some meet cute. Its how two characters meet in a movie. Say a man and a woman, both need something to sleep in. And they both go to the same men’s pyjama department. And the man says to the salesman: “I just need bottoms”. The woman says, “I just need a top”. They look at each other and that’s the “meet cute”.
Why is someone attracted to a person, whom they know isn’t good?
I happen to know the answer to this. You are hoping you are wrong. Every time he/she does something that tells you he/ she is no good, you ignore it. And every time he/she comes through and surprises you, he/she wins you over and you lose the argument with yourself that he/she is not for you.
It turned out that he wasn't in love with her like she thought. Though it was not the end of the world, she understood feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. How it could actually ache in places she didn't know she had inside her. And it didn’t matter how many new haircuts she got or gyms she joined, or how many glasses of hot chocolate she drank with her girlfriends, she still went to bed every night, going through every detail and wondering what she had done wrong or how she could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment she could think that she was that happy and he was a inseparable part of her life? And sometimes she even convinced herself that he’ll see the light and show up at her door.
And after all that, however long "all that” may be, you’ll go somewhere new. Meet new people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of life you have wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
The guy came back. He came because he had to see her. He missed her. She didn’t understand. She asked him about when she was right there. For 3 years. She tried to remind him of how then, he thought they weren’t right for each other. How they were a square peg and a round hole. He did not remember that and he told her that now, he just knew that he hated it when she was gone. He also admitted, saying he had never checked his e-mails or messages more. It was driving him crazy that he wasn’t hearing from her. He said he did not want to lose her.
This was too confusing for her. He said he had screwed up. He said he made a mistake. Said he was stupid and impulsive in handling a troubled phase. She asked him about all those things he told her then when he ended things and left her half way. He asked her to understand and accept him knowing how confused he was about the whole thing. She felt like a used car whose owner come back to pick her up from a reseller just because he missed having her.
She lost it. She told him they indeed were very round peg and very round hole. Only that she overlooked it that last time. She realized she could never trust him again. She could not deal with this all over again and ever stop wondering if what he wants now could change in the future. He broke her heart and acted like somehow it was her fault. As if she had misunderstood and was too in love with him to be ever mad at him. Though the time had come for her to end the twisted toxic thing between them, she was miraculously never done being in love with him. She had a life to start living and he was not going to be in it. But, she never did get her closure.
"She will never really tell you how much she likes you, unless prodded and you might find it easier to talk to her over long, sappy text messages. You will be careful with your spellings and the number of smiley faces you put after the 'Goodnight'.
One day she will tell you how no one gets her and you will try to fake a smile.
But secretly you will rethink the whole thing.
Then one day you will leave her to her words and her punctuations.
You will think for a moment about what to write on that post-it that you leave behind and finally decide on leaving it empty.
This time the silence will be from your side.
Years later, you will spot her in a coffee shop, typing away furiously.
You may gather enough words to say Hello and she will tell you how well she is doing.
Her earrings will clink as she will start to laugh but you, you will notice the emptiness in her eye sockets.
You will realize then; You knew all her secrets.
Never date a writer.
Just leave her to her words and her commas."
(http://smallfathands.blogspot.com/2011/04/never-date-writer.html)
